Goodbye 2013! My Year in Review

We talked about 2013 on a forum I frequent the other day and when I wrote my short recap, I came to the conclusion that 2013 pretty much just was for me. It had its ups, it had its downs. I’m not sure I’ll look back on it as a year that was all that special on a personal level.

But even though, or maybe because, it was so unspecial, I’d like to focus on it in a bit of a detailed view. It’s good to look back on things and learn from them, appreciate them and just remember them. This also led to the first time ever that I jotted down notes before writing a blog post. I’m pretty sure what I’ve written in this blog in over a year now is a dead giveaway for how unfocused my blogging usually is. I sit down and write and to be honest, most of the time I have no idea where I’m going until I’m done. But when I decided I was gonna write a recap of my 2013, I quickly came to the realization that reviewing a whole year just isn’t gonna work without notes. Without thinking long and hard, I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch today, so remembering the past not-quite-365 days without a reminder here and there would be close to impossible.

In the process of taking my notes, I quickly started putting them into categories. Originally, this was just meant to help me organize my thoughts but then I figured it was a good way to do this. So here’s my year…

Personal Highlights

• AFI: I wrote about this long and hard already, but my favorite band released a new record this year, after four long years of absence. It is hard for me to write about this on a platform like this blog because I’m aware how this comes off with other people. The majority of people have fond memories of being a fan of a band – when they were 14. They can’t fathom what it’s like when that kind of love for (an) artist(s) remains. With most people that gets replaced by other things that become important to them over the years and just like with other values that we are taught are ‘publicly acceptable’, we come to feel like ‘the odd one out’ when we feel differently. I’m not ashamed of how I feel about AFI, I’m just afraid of not doing how important they are to me and on what level justice by not finding the right words. I don’t want people to think this is a silly thing, just because I fail to explain it properly. For now, though, let it suffice to say that I’ve missed being an active fan of this band. And by active I mean actually having something new to deal with, having a word to spreads, having a tour to hope and plan for. The latter still hasn’t happened but I’m confident that it’ll happen in ’14. As an album, ‘Burials’ hit me on a very emotional level. The hurt and anger and emotional stress of this album is so raw and familiar to me that I think it would have caught me off guard either way, whether it is by AFI or another artist. For weeks, I built myself a home inside those songs and lived there quite comfortably. Which is exactly what I’ve always known and needed from this band. Which explains quite perfectly why they’re such an important part of my life.
• Friendships: 2013 Has been quite the nice little rollercoaster ride for me when it came to friendships. I got a lot closer with one friend who is especially important to me because we have so much in common and are so very alike in aspects that matter. So far, there was this invisible wall between us that drove us apart whenever we started opening up, as if we were afraid to do just that. At some point, after a lot of fights and drama, this wall disappeared and we grew so much closer which is a nice, if even a little scary, feeling. With all of my anxiety and trust issues, I still feel the urge to run every now and again but I can even tell her about that without feeling like she thinks I’m crazy. Then another friend came back into my life at a time when I least expected it, catching me off guard and leaving me to contemplate things all over again. Now, after several months have passed, I’m confident that letting her in again was a good decision. It’s still a bit tender, like a new tattoo and I think it’s still a matter of trial and error with finding the right dosage of each other but at the moment, it feels right, like we’re doing the right thing. What I didn’t like was how it threw me into yet more drama with people who I feel have no say in what I do with my life and who don’t even know me. On the kindergarten frame of mind level, they still think in social groups and all you can do is choose not to play their games. But that doesn’t mean they won’t try to still drag you down. I know that it’s partly my own fault for allowing them to do that and for letting it get to me but sometimes I can’t help it. Especially when some people are so obsessed with getting at me that they cannot even let it go, even when I choose not to comment on or reply to anything they say or do. The third friendship that is giving me a bit of a headache is also my oldest friendship. A girl who’s been nothing but kind to me in over ten years. Almost 15, I think? We used to be so close but over the past couple years, I feel we’ve drifted apart. And I’m not completely innocent, I know that. It’s just really hard to face this huge and important talk I know we’re supposed to have about it all eventually. It’s actually one of my goals for the next year to try and save this friendship or maybe move it to a new level, if need be. The last one that deserves to be mentioned here is a girl I met through my weight loss journey. We’re not so close, yet, that I’d see her as a part of my inner circle but we’re in such a similar position with where we are with our weight loss and what we’re struggling with that our conversations get increasingly personal and it’s nice to share that with someone who truly understands.
• Mallorca: After I don’t know how many years, I finally had a proper holiday again! I’ve blogged about this more than is healthy already and I’n still missing the last part which I may add later just for closure, so I’m not gonna go on and on about it. Let me just say how good it was to get out, change the scenery for a bit, enjoy the sun and think of nothing but which sights I wanna see tomorrow for a while.

Things I Learned / Achieved

• I’ve finally accepted and come clean about my own anxiety. It shows in many ways but mostly, my social anxiety is really, really bad. I go through good phases when it doesn’t bother me at all and life seems easy to me but the bad times are never far away. I’ve told my closest friends about it, so they know I’m not being unnecessarily difficult. Which doesn’t mean I get to hide behind it and be reckless, but I hope it’ll help them understand how my mind works sometimes. It’s also something that I know fessing up to was just the first step of. I’ll have to work on it and constantly push myself to my own limits so hopefully, I’ll get better at dealing with it, even though I don’t dare hope this will ever leave me.
• One of the best things I’ve done today was changing my doctor. In Germany, everyone has a regular practitioner that you go to for check-ups and temporary illnesses like a flu and who you will also go to for a recommendation of professionals regarding more difficult or permanent things. My old one was just really not very helpful and supportive and I’m so glad I switched because even though I’ve only seen my new doc twice, she’s already helped me a lot and made me feel much better about myself and my health issues.
• The other good thing, though I’ve not been doing so well in the past few weeks, was changing my gym. It’s a much more professional place and gives me the opportunity to follow a much more personal and custom plan. Unlike my old gym, it makes me feel like I’m not alone, like there is someone who will listen to what I want to achieve and help me get there. When you’re a born lazybutt like me and someone puts you into a gym, you just feel overwhelmed. Where do I start? What do I do? How do I use all those machines? What courses are right? At my old gym, though people there were nice, I just felt alone with my quest and like everything they had to offer was made to suit everyone. Which just doesn’t help. I have to lose a significant amount of weight, the next person may be skinny and wanting to gain a lot of muscle. So we have different needs but the gym wasn’t really prepared to offer help with that. So I already feel better knowing that what I do when I go there is the right thing for me.
• I took up writing again. Nothing major but when Secret Santa time came around, not only did I finish the actual story for that but also one for a friend and it reignited the spark I’d been missing for so long. Since then, I’ve had a million different ideas and hope to go through with at least some of them, rather than adding another few dozen unfinished pieces to the long list on my hard drive.

Books

• The Land of Stories 1 & 2 by Chris Colfer: I’ve been a fan of the TV Series Glee for a while but never knew that Chris Colfer had written a book, or two by now. So I stumbled upon the first book by accident when I found a thread on a book community in which someone offered her copy as a wandering book. I signed up and had to wait for quite a long time. So long, actually, that I had considered buying it instead. But then it arrived and I read it and loved it so much that I immediately pre-ordered part two which I also got to read this year. I recently learned that Chris is working on part three and this got me so inexplicably excited! Fairytale adaptions are one of my weaknesses and he does it so well!
• The Fault in Our Stars by John Green: For some reason, TFIOS was almost the last book by John Green I got to read after falling in love with this author. Even though it is his most well known and popular publication so far. I think I was a little afraid of my own expectations. It is, after all, a YA book about a girl who has cancer. You find way too many books about The Big C on YA literature shelves and one day I hope to explore why that is so. Most of them are amazing but you know what they say, ‘too much of a good thing…’. So I was a little hesitant. But TFIOS really is as amazing as they all say. And more. I am 31 and I have a teeny weeny crush on Augustus Waters. There, I said it!
• Ready Player One by Ernest Cline: This was probably my big surprise this year when it came to books. I bought this as part of an Amazon special in which you could buy three English paperback titles for 10 €. Most of the titles on offer didn’t seem very appealing to me as they were a lot of romance or sequels to books I hadn’t read. But I already had The Time Traveler’s Wife and The Map of Time in my basket and needed a third book and then I saw Ready Player One and remembered having read a good review about it somewhere. The plot seemed vaguely interesting, so I put it in my basket. It ended up being the first I read of the three and even though I was so suspicious about it, it turned out being one of my favorite reads this year. It was nerdy, clever, sweet at some point and set in a really, really detailed future world that you could imagine to exist a couple hundred years from now. Even though I’m nowhere near as obsessed with virtual worlds as the characters in this book, I can understand where the author is coming from. It’s so easy to lose yourself in online games and identify with your avatar in one way or another and Ernest Cline simply took it a step further, creating a wonderful ‘What If…’ scenario.
• Authors: I discovered two new authors this year whose work really impressed me. One is Linda Castillo whose Kate Burkholder series I started with early this year. Right now, the fourth book is waiting to be read by me. It is set on the edges of an Amish community and besides the tension and suspense her stories offer, I like learning about these people and their traditions without it being boring in any way. With Neil Gaiman, I’m a little late to the party. Whenever I mention how much I enjoyed reading Neverwhere, everyone just rolls their eyes at me. Apparently, the whole world has been a fan for years. I’ve enjoyed this book so much that I made it a plan for ’14 to read more of his work.

Movies

• Despicable Me 2: If you know me, you know I’m slightly obsessed with the Minions. I have posters, figurines, apps…whatever I can get my hands on and can actually use in some way. The first movie was probably one of my all-time favorites and I was looking forward to the sequel like other people are looking forward to their wedding days. For months, we had posters outside the cinema near the mall and every single time I saw them, I’d squeal. When the time finally came, sadly, I only made it to the cinema twice, not a million times like I’d planned. But it was glorious. Amazing. My God, how I enjoyed this movie! And I didn’t even particularly care for the plot, though it was enjoyable. I can’t wait for the Minions movie!
• The Hunger Games – Catching Fire: I’ve read the books, I’ve cried, I’ve been tempted to throw my Kindle at the wall. So I have to watch the movies, too. And how brilliant they are! Catching Fire was so close to what I imagined things to look like while reading the book, I spent most of the time in the cinema convinced that I had already seen the movie. Which was impossible, I’d hardly even seen trailers. But it really came so close. I loved every second of it and can’t wait for the next part.
• Now You See Me: This was my big surprise this year. I love Amy Adams, so one night when my friend and I found ourselves on the steps of a local theater, spontaneously in the mood to see a movie, I instantly voted for this one. But at the time I didn’t expect more than a bit of mild entertainment. But this movie was so, so good, really smart and had more strengths than just the magic tricks / special effects.

Goals 2014

• Lose weight: I don’t remember a time in my life when this wasn’t part of the plan. Instead of making it a goal to be a skinny supermodel by the end of the year, though, I’m just not gonna set a specific goal but just promise myself that I’ll do my best to achieve as much as I can.
• Be more organized: Again, this is a rather vague thing that involves more than just tidying up more or keeping the paperwork at home in line. It also includes small things like taking notes at work, using post-its for actual reminders rather than just doodling, remembering distant friends’ birthdays and sending cards out in time, taking two minutes to remove my makeup at night, not constantly forgetting to brush my hair, clear the dishes right after meals, and so on. If I get better at this, it’ll be easier for me to deal with everyday life in the long run because I know things are just running automatically and I don’t have to stress myself out so much over the smallest things.
• Stay calm / Relax more:  I tend to freak out at the smallest cause because I’m just so annoyed with things in my life right now. It doesn’t make things easier and it doesn’t help and the only thing I achieve with it is make myself feel worse, so I need to find a way to stay calm and not act like a crazy ghetto bitch.
• Rekindle friendships: There’s one particular close friend I already mentioned earlier who I’d like to become closer with again because I really miss her friendship. We’ve drifted apart a lot and I know we’ll never fully be on the same emotional level and share so many interests again but that doesn’t mean we can’t make this work. And then there are a few other people who I’ve never really been close with before but we were on casual terms, checking in with each other every other day and that’s gone down the drain over the years, as well. I’d like to get back to having that extended circle of friends again and let them know I’m here if they need me.
• Save Money: I’ve really lost my way here. I went from having almost 1.000 € in my savings account + another 150 € in my piggy bank to have almost nothing left. And with the prospect of a possible AFI tour soon, I really need to get my act together. I’ve done well this month already by putting aside almost 100 € again and I hope to stay on this track. Also I want to stop abusing my credit card for spontaneous purchases whenever I don’t have the cash, so I can use it for the tour as well.
• Go veggie: I want to give the vegetarian diet another go. I thought I may start by challenging myself to stick to a veggie diet for a week, if that goes well, extend it to two weeks, and so on. If I fail, I’ll start again. In the past few weeks, I’ve already explored several veggie lunch alternatives I could rely on at work. There’s a bakery / lunch restaurant that has freshly cooked pasta dishes every day and most of them are vegetarian. And there are a bunch of different supermarkets nearby that offer different kinds of salads or other vegetarian dishes. So even if I forget to pack lunch, I’d have good alternatives.
• Cook more: This goes along with the goal above because it’s certainly easier to stick to a certain diet when you’re prepared. But it’s also easier to lose weight and be healthy when you eat homemade food that you know the actual ingredients of and that you can alter according to your own likes or dislikes.
• Laugh more, cry less: Sort of explains itself, really.

Challenges 2014

• Lose weight: This is not one big challenge as such but rather one I plan to take baby steps with as before. Right now, I’m still on the first step that’s listed on my Challenges page which is to lose 2.2kg by mid-January. Since I’m still lacking a working scale, I have no reliable result but hope to be on the right track.
• Goodreads Challenge: As every year, I’m gonna take part in the Goodreads Reading Challenge again and since I’ve struggled to reach my goal of 50 this year, I won’t up it and set it to 50 again. This time, I’ll put the widget on my Challenges page as well as soon as Goodreads lets you do that.

So, that’s all, folks!

I hope everyone has a great NYE, a lot of fun, whether you’re partying or staying home. I know I’m ready for 2014 to arrive.

Ready for 2014!

Be safe and see you on the other side!

A Fangirl’s Impressions

Today is the first day that really feels like fall is here. I was woken by a mini storm raging outside and since then, the wind has been shaking the trees outside several times and heavy rain has been pounding against my windows, startling the cats and getting me in the mood for seasonal baked goods. So while a hazelnut cinnamon tea cake is baking in the oven, I’m making more good use of this melancholy mood to reflect on my personal little highlight of the year: Burials, AFI’s ninth studio album. It’s been out here for over a week now and I haven’t listened to anything else. I’ve already become close friends with this album and the songs on it and now I feel like I’m ready to put my feelings into words…somehow.

I decided to go with a track by track-recap because the songs make up one beautiful big picture but they’re also individual little worlds of feeling and they just deserve to be mentioned and discussed as such.

The Sinking Night

For some reason, every second album since Black Sails in the Sunset seems to have its own opener track. So in that sense The Sinking Night is typically AFI-esque. Yet so far it’s the only track on the album that I cannot get quite into. I enjoy it for setting the dark mood for the rest of the album but I can’t quite grasp the heavy symbolism of the lyrics just yet. I feel bad for starting this post with the one song I like least but it’s not my fault it’s the first on the album.

Favorite line: On this sinking night I see your face.

I Hope You Suffer

This was the first song I had heard months ago, when AFI suddenly reappeared in my life with a bang. And I instantly loved it. Even though by now I’ve heard it a million times and I got used to its darkness and the way Davey’s almost growling the lyrics, I still absolutely love it. But I also still find it hard to bear at times. It completely lacks any sense of hope or positivity but is really dark and you can tell that you do not want to be in the focus of that kind of anger. And yet, I can relate to it as I, too, have felt about people like that.

Favorite line: I’ve seen my darkest days. You gave each one to me.

A Deep Slow Panic

AFI publicized this song just a couple days before the European release date for Burials. I pressed play on the streaming site – and instantly fell in love all over again. It starts with a few drum sounds, then quickly turns into a melody that is at the same time catchy and melancholy. You immediately want to sing along and it makes for good driving music but it isn’t meaningless background noise. What really grips me here are the lyrics and the way Davey sings them. The title really is so fitting and I can release to the sudden panic gripping you when someone you trusted stabs you in the back and you’re at the same time afraid of losing them but aware that what’s been there has passed and you can’t trust them again. It’s not just the words but also Davey’s voice which gets more and more high-pitched with each chorus and becomes the audio version of that feeling I know so well. It’s also the only song that seems purely sad and defeated rather than angry. It’s the first of my three favorites on the album.

Favorite line: Slowly I swallowed your fears for all of those years. How could you let them consume me?

No Resurrection

Another song that’s been released just before the album. It was also the first song I didn’t quite like at first listen. And indeed it took several spins of the album before it grew on me. It just seemed very repetitious at first. For me to fall in love with a song, I need one hook to get started on and then I take it from there.  And No Resurrection didn’t seem to have that at first. By now, the stomping intro to the song has become that hook and I’ve slowly embraced it more and more.

Favorite line: Don’t you know that heaven is slow?

17 Crimes

The second song to be released off the album, it stood in stark contrast to I Hope You Suffer and people didn’t know what to expect from the album anymore. Now that I know the entire album, 17 Crimes still stands out because it is a lot catchier and seems to have an all over more positive vibe than the rest. The lyrics are more hopeful and seem to be directed at someone else than the rest of the album. And yet, it fits in because of this. It’s that little glimmer of hope on the album and I’d love it just for that if it wasn’t already such a great song by itself.

Favorite line: Let’s run and kill like seventeen.

The Conductor

Another song I’d known from before the album (this was getting just a tad ridiculous, I swear!). My first thought was that it would fit perfectly on a Blaqk Audio album. There are a lot of electronic influences and at first, the music didn’t grip me. But the lyrics were instantly mine. By now I absolutely love the chorus and the short breakdown before it starts. I cannot wait to experience that live and scream the words back at the band.

Favorite line: Shake their frail beliefs. I’ll show them a believer.

Heart Stops

This is the second of my three favorite tracks. The first time I listened to the album, I was driving to work and the moment Heart Stops came on, I had the biggest, most ridiculous grin on my face. It’s one of those songs that come with such a fresh and unique sound, it’s so different and such an instant favorite. For me, it brings to mind the sound of Blink 182 and The Dear & Departed. Musically, it’s probably the most simple song on the album. Lyrically, it’s also very simply put but so spiteful. I just love how he changes from singing calmly to spitting out the words.

Favorite line: May the scars you left in me dig into you twice as deep.

Rewind

This is it, my favorite song on the album. I cannot even tell you how often I’ve listened to this already. It contains one of the most amazing AFI things: the screams! Oh my god, the screams! Every chorus rises and rises until it climaxes in Davey screaming “We rewind!” and I impatiently await the moment each time.

Favorite line: Call your doting dogs. As their weak servility feeds your emptiness, remember me.

The Embrace

I rushed to the theater to hear a tiny piece of this song in the Mortal Instruments movie and even though they were talking over it, I was amazed by how different it sounded. Had I not known it was AFI, I would have guessed it to be a Linkin Park song. Which isn’t a bad thing, just a completely new sound for AFI. It’s also very electronic and comes crawling at you and haunts you in an almost romantic way.

Favorite line: To take my deepest breath I walk into the raging sea.

Wild

This was one of the songs I found the hardest to get into. At first, it just sounds…yeah, wild! Just a cacophony of sound that I found overwhelming the first few dozen times. But slowly, it grew on me more and more. Now I just love the drums and the general craziness of this song.

Favorite line: Every one of my words – not worth believing.

Greater Than 84

Another song that immediately convinces with a catchy melody and a sound that just…pushes. It’s gonna work so well in a live setting, I’m sure, because it’s just contagious and really gets you going. It also has some of the most beautiful lyrics on the record.

Favorite line: Will you hold my hand as we count down the hours. Standing beneath the meteor showers.

 

Anxious

So far, this is the only song I don’t really have an opinion about, yet. I don’t particularly like it and I don’t particularly don’t like it. Right now, it’s sort of that “Bop My Head Along to”-song but hey, I’ve only listened to this album a couple thousand times by now, so who knows how much I’ll love it in a week’s time.

Favorite line: Swing love down and find the saddest song.

 

The Face Beneath the Waves

For the first five hundread listens or so I had the biggest problem with “getting” this song. Not the lyrics, mind you, but the sound. It’s very 80’s, very dark wave, very epic and depressing. I still cannot listen to it with every spin of the record because it just hits you with the full force of feelings that you may not want to deal with at all times. But when I do, it’s never just a casual kind of listening. It’s a song that you can’t help but feel.

Favorite line: Tell me what it’s like to hold a heart when it shatters.

 

There you go. These are my thoughts and impressions and I know this isn’t any kind of a professional opinion, let alone a review. You couldn’t expect anything that’s 100% objective from someone who’s loved this band for the past decade. Mainly, I’m just posting this here to recap the album for myself, collect my thoughts and maybe return to it later to compare my opinion then with my opinion now.

The Boys Are Back in Town

Apart from the aforementioned stress at work, my life is simply wonderful at the moment.

Why?

Because my boys are back!

To the sane person, this may seem like a bit of a silly thing. But I have loved AFI for over ten years now. We’ve only just had our 10 year-anniversary in March of this year. This band has shared the best and the worst of times with me and it has managed to lift me out of my mysery when friends and family couldn’t.

I do not have any dramatic stories to share like some other fans, like how they literally saved me from killing myself because I heard their song while putting a knife to my wrist (not making fun here, just saying that’s not my story) but they have definitely changed me for the better. I’ve made friends and foes through them. I’ve seen the world (well, Europe…) because of them. I dared do things I wouldn’t have done otherwise. And most importantly, they taught me that it is okay to be who you want to be and do what you want to do. You only need to be passionate about what you’re doing. If you’re in it with only half your heart, it’s likely to fail, but if you give it your all, it doesn’t matter if it makes you look stupid, you’ll still be the coolest kid around because everyone else is just dreaming of what they’d like to do.

But they’ve been gone for over three years. Never really gone for me. But there weren’t any news safe for what you read on personal Twitter or Facebook profiles and those weren’t band-related. Other projects, weddings, vacations… It’s all nice to follow but what you’re craving as a fan is new music, and with that, a new tour. I’m still waiting for the latter as there’ve been no European tourdates announced so far. But new music there is. Two new songs have been released already, one of which will even be featured (as a remix) in the Mortal Instruments movie. And in October, a new album will be released, Burials. Wow! I cannot even begin to explain how it feels when I hear new music or when I’m told they’re being featured somewhere. Not without sounding silly, anyway. I always say I’m “proud like a mother” and I guess that comes close.

I’ve just followed them for such a long time already, through what will soon be four very, very different albums, five more that’ve been released before my time and numerous side projects. And nothing they’ve ever done has truly failed me. I can honestly say that I’ve loved everything they ever put out. Not in a stupid, biased way, like I would just make me like it. And with single songs, love may be too strong a word. But there’s never been anything that had to truly grow on me or that I would just dislike forever. Which is crazy because they’ve gone from being hardcore kids to…well, what almost sounds like progressive rock. Sometimes, I can only shake my head but most of the time, it just excites me.

Now the only thing I need are tourdates. And you bet I’ll be stalking them again!

More Birthdays

Today is an important day. Because it is Davey Havok’s birthday.

To most people, this won’t mean anything and I don’t blame you. I can’t even count the many, many times that someone babbled on and on about their favorite singer, actor, celebrity, whoever to me and I just thought that this was all nice and well but it didn’t mean anything to me. I think everyone has someone that really inspires them, who may have even brought a change to their life or influenced them in one way or another.

For me, this person would be Davey Havok. Actually, his entire band, AFI, are some of the most important people to me. As artists and, after meeting them a couple times, also as people. Davey still sticks out, though, because the lyrics of their songs come straight from his mind, his hand, his pen. And they’re what got to me the most when I found AFI over nine years ago. Oh hey, it’ll be our 10th anniversary next year!

Back then, I didn’t know what I know now. That I have some hormonal dysfunction that can often cause me to feel down and depressed. I simply knew that I was different than the few friends I had. I was sad a lot but I also knew that it wasn’t just any kind of sadness. Not the one where you have a cleansing cry and then it’s okay again. It was a feeling of dread, one that felt like there was no point to life anymore. I wasn’t suicidal per se, but I often wondered why I was even bothering and if things weren’t easier for a lot of people if I wasn’t around. I didn’t like dealing with myself because I knew I was way too serious, took too many things to my heart rather than being a little more easy going. I made so many things so difficult, I got angry for no reason, I took things personal that had nothing to do with me, I was unreasonably jealous and anxious. Just…so many things that I felt made me a bad person. Just knowing now that it’s all for a reason makes it all easier for me to deal with. But of course, I didn’t know that back then.

Now, I realize it could have been any band, book or poem at the time. There are a lot of them that bring across the message that I got from Davey / AFI. Which was simply that it is okay to be the way I was. It is okay to have dark, gloomy thoughts. It is okay to be awkward about people and in general sometimes. Basically, no matter who or what you are, it is okay as long as you try to be as decent a person as you can be at the time. If you’re having a bad day and the best you can come up with is being a miserable mess, well, then that’s who you are that day. But people have no right to judge you because everyone, even the most talented and beautiful and popular people have bad times. And that’s not gonna be made better by everyone kissing the ground you walk on. When I realized that even a wonderful, beautiful, popular person like Davey has those really dark days, it came as such a relief – though I did feel bad for him.

I’m not gonna say I listened to their album and came out a wonderful person who absolutely adores herself. Really, I still can’t stand myself most of the time. I’m bitchy and when I talk to myself – which happens a lot – I often don’t reply. I wouldn’t be friends with me. But I’m okay with that. If anything, Davey helped me to start a long journey that will lead me to accepting myself and, most of all, accept that other people like me. Well, I hope that’s where it’ll lead me. Either that or I’ll forever sound like a sad wanton groupie that only has day dream sex with an imaginary rockstar boyfriend. Oh god, please don’t let that happen!

Anyway, for all of the above, for many, many hours filled with beautiful music, for a lot of fantastic nights that I spent witnessing wonderful, passionate, energetic live shows, for the best reason to take long crazy road trips across Europe, for making me meet many wonderful people through our shared passion for this band…and gosh, for so, so much more…thank you, Mr. Havok! And happy birthday! You may be old now but you’re still one of the most beautiful people I know, inside out.