To most people, this won’t mean anything and I don’t blame you. I can’t even count the many, many times that someone babbled on and on about their favorite singer, actor, celebrity, whoever to me and I just thought that this was all nice and well but it didn’t mean anything to me. I think everyone has someone that really inspires them, who may have even brought a change to their life or influenced them in one way or another.
For me, this person would be Davey Havok. Actually, his entire band, AFI, are some of the most important people to me. As artists and, after meeting them a couple times, also as people. Davey still sticks out, though, because the lyrics of their songs come straight from his mind, his hand, his pen. And they’re what got to me the most when I found AFI over nine years ago. Oh hey, it’ll be our 10th anniversary next year!
Back then, I didn’t know what I know now. That I have some hormonal dysfunction that can often cause me to feel down and depressed. I simply knew that I was different than the few friends I had. I was sad a lot but I also knew that it wasn’t just any kind of sadness. Not the one where you have a cleansing cry and then it’s okay again. It was a feeling of dread, one that felt like there was no point to life anymore. I wasn’t suicidal per se, but I often wondered why I was even bothering and if things weren’t easier for a lot of people if I wasn’t around. I didn’t like dealing with myself because I knew I was way too serious, took too many things to my heart rather than being a little more easy going. I made so many things so difficult, I got angry for no reason, I took things personal that had nothing to do with me, I was unreasonably jealous and anxious. Just…so many things that I felt made me a bad person. Just knowing now that it’s all for a reason makes it all easier for me to deal with. But of course, I didn’t know that back then.
Now, I realize it could have been any band, book or poem at the time. There are a lot of them that bring across the message that I got from Davey / AFI. Which was simply that it is okay to be the way I was. It is okay to have dark, gloomy thoughts. It is okay to be awkward about people and in general sometimes. Basically, no matter who or what you are, it is okay as long as you try to be as decent a person as you can be at the time. If you’re having a bad day and the best you can come up with is being a miserable mess, well, then that’s who you are that day. But people have no right to judge you because everyone, even the most talented and beautiful and popular people have bad times. And that’s not gonna be made better by everyone kissing the ground you walk on. When I realized that even a wonderful, beautiful, popular person like Davey has those really dark days, it came as such a relief – though I did feel bad for him.
I’m not gonna say I listened to their album and came out a wonderful person who absolutely adores herself. Really, I still can’t stand myself most of the time. I’m bitchy and when I talk to myself – which happens a lot – I often don’t reply. I wouldn’t be friends with me. But I’m okay with that. If anything, Davey helped me to start a long journey that will lead me to accepting myself and, most of all, accept that other people like me. Well, I hope that’s where it’ll lead me. Either that or I’ll forever sound like a sad wanton groupie that only has day dream sex with an imaginary rockstar boyfriend. Oh god, please don’t let that happen!
Anyway, for all of the above, for many, many hours filled with beautiful music, for a lot of fantastic nights that I spent witnessing wonderful, passionate, energetic live shows, for the best reason to take long crazy road trips across Europe, for making me meet many wonderful people through our shared passion for this band…and gosh, for so, so much more…thank you, Mr. Havok! And happy birthday! You may be old now but you’re still one of the most beautiful people I know, inside out.