This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, for the better part of the last year, actually. So far, I haven’t been able to find the words to express what I feel and how it feels exactly, so here goes nothing…
I’m not a very positive person, I know that. I’m not quite a pessimist but I often expect disaster. I get dragged down by the little things a lot, too, and often see the bad side of things, even though I am actually aware, could actually explain the good side to you. Sometimes my mind deliberately tries to make something seem bad just so it can get upset about it and I often, very often, relate things back to me that aren’t about me or meant for me at all.
Now, with that said, I’m aware that I welcome a lot of people’s negativity with open arms. They probably feel like no one knows better what it feels like to be unreasonably upset or angry than I do. Or, at the very least, no one would have less reason to point out how unreasonable people are being than I do. So I do understand when people come to me to vent.
I know people always say they don’t rate their friends or assign certain labels to them. But let’s be honest here, we all know and use the term ‘best friend’ and we all turn to different people in different situations. As open minded as everyone wants to be these days, there’s no way one person could understand everything and show the desired reaction in every case, so after a while, we learn what we can or can’t bring up with our friends.
To learn this was hard for me. I wouldn’t say I necessarily accepted it. I fought it nail and teeth and eventually admitted defeat. I guess that’s the most appropriate way to describe it.
The point is, however, that I am aware of it now. And I usually don’t even get so upset about it anymore. Except for one particular detail.
I feel like I’m The Dark Pit of Negativity for people. The person they turn to when they need to vent or cry or get some negative thoughts out or even if they just need to recount a bad experience. Now don’t get me wrong, I love it that people trust me and confide in me and feel like they can get this out. We all have to pretend to be fine way too much and way too often and there’s just no place for sadness or depression in our world. But what really hurts is that people cry with me and laugh with others. It happens so often, it’s impossible that this is only in my head. Really close friends do this, and acquaintances do it as well. I know people I haven’t seen nor talked to in ages, but I still receive occasional messages from them when they need to vent.
By now it makes me feel like I’m carrying this huge mess of negative thoughts and sadness around with me, like I’m carrying their burden along with mine, and I’m not even getting the counter weight of happiness and laughter to compensate. I don’t think people do this on purpose. But I still hate being that person. I hate that when I truly want happiness and fun, I have to draw back and curl up within myself because that’s not what others want or need me for.
But it isn’t something that you can say to people. When they come to me and need help or advice or just someone to listen, I can’t exactly turn them away and point this out to them. It’d make me feel like the most selfish person alive and let’s face it, the picture I have of myself hardly needs to get any worse with yet more flaws to point out.