Today was one of those unbearable days when everything
feels is just wrong. Small things like me accidentally dropping things or conversations with customers being just annoying and dragged out. And bigger things, too.
I hate this. I hate how having an off day isn’t allowed or possible anymore. Things happen and you’re supposed to just swallow them and move on and if this is what being an adult is all about, I want out. I never signed up for this. I’ll never be that person and I’ll never be just fine. Tomorrow will be better but next week or next month or whenever I will hit another low and that is just that. It’s just up and down and up and down. Things affect me so much more than others. Or maybe they’re better at hiding it, I don’t know. Which is essentially the same because what it comes down to is that I’m not fine. It’s so funny how fine has become the new normal. When someone asks you how you are, you say you’re fine. When they ask you how things are going, they’re always fine, too. And the thing is, I’ve never, ever, ever, ever truly thought that things were fine. On good days, things are great, fantastic, spectacular. On bad days…well, let’s not go there. Apparently, other people’s lives are fine. How do I get there? Should I have taken another turn at some point?
Anyway, to not be completely cryptic here, the only good thing that happened today was that I was offered a place on a new team at work that’s working on a new, exciting project. I seriously thought that the cherry on top of this day was that I was being laid off when my boss called me into the conference room. But apparently, he held good news for me. I think. No, actually I don’t know what to think. I’ll have to think about it on a day when the thought of taking on any form of responsibility won’t cause an anxiety attack. Right now I feel like I should have declined. Because I’ll so fuck this up. I’m an idiot and the others on the team will notice it soon enough. My lethargy will set in and I’ll miss deadlines and then I’ll ask stupid questions and don’t even get me started on the awkward meetings we’ll have with my social anxiety sabotaging me again. I may even be required to go on trips out of the country to visit some partners. Excuse me while I breathe into a paper bag.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for one good thing happening today. But at the same time I wish it hadn’t happened today. I’m not able to appreciate it as much as I would on a good day.
I should listen to sad music and cry and most of all I should sleep. A lot.