Today’s almost-mental breakdown is brought to you by: Too much pressure!
I almost feel dumb writing this. My mother is in hospital again (I’ll get to that later) and she shares a room with a cancer patient. This woman isn’t in hospital because of her cancer right now. She dropped chemo and all other treatments after many surgeries ‘ruined’ her face, she lost all her hair, and she didn’t have any positive results at all. This woman knows she doesn’t have much time left. And on top of that, she fell, injuring her hip, so now she can’t even walk much anymore.
That’s a cruel fate right there, right? It really makes me realized how privileged most people are. And it also makes me feel like I shouldn’t complain.
At the same time, there’s always gonna be someone somewhere who’s problems are bigger or harder to solve or completely unsolvable. It doesn’t mean I don’t have any problems at all and that I cannot feel weighed down by them.
And the main problem right now is pressure. Too.much.pressure.
Why is my mom in hospital again? Because she collapsed. Once again, they’re not too sure what caused the whole thing. This time, however, she has a doctor who seems somewhat dedicated and actually tries to diagnose her rather than just guess. We know by now that some smaller bones are broken from the fall and that they’re trying to find out what caused it in the first place. So far, so good. It still means she has to lie down most of the time, no one knows how long she’ll have to stay in hospital for and what the consequences will be. The trip to Vienna is in jeopardy and she’s going crazy because of that. So once again I’m taking a trip to the hospital after work every day, I run errands for her, I try to console her and I take care of her cat.
On top of that, she promised her neighbor to take care of her two cats this weekend as well. Which she won’t be able to do, obviously. And because there’s no one else, that will have to be my job, too. Now, life, what makes you think I can handle this kind of responsibility? Going to a stranger’s apartment twice a day to pamper her cats who are basically raw eggs to her? I’m not kidding you. I had her explain things to me yesterday, thinking I was in for the usual ‘This is their food, here are their bowls’-walkthrough. Nope. I’m supposed to do a million things and she couldn’t even tell me how much food they get because she ‘just refills their bowls several times a day’. (Cue the hysterical laughter.)
I’ll be doing it, of course, because I wouldn’t want to ruin her trip for her. But I’m not gonna lie, things like that give me a nice round of anxiety. I know I have two cats of my own. I know feeding other people’s pets isn’t rocket science. I know I won’t kill her cats in the course of a few days. But I still feel like I’ll mess things up. I can just be standing somewhere, doing nothing, just minding my own busines, and I’ll still feel like I’m doing something wrong. That’s why I hate taking care of things for people. Don’t get me wrong, I love to help. I often do things for people when I should be doing something for myself. But responsibility like that? Nope! Nope, nope, nope!
So then I also managed to break my car. It isn’t totalled, I ‘only’ broke off the indicator control. But it’s such a dumb thing to happen, and at such an inconvenient time, too. I felt like the dumbest person on earth telling the service guy about it. He laughed and was so nice about it but still… Luckily, it won’t cost me a kidney like I thought. It’s still money I could use for something nice but at least I can afford it.
Together, all of these things sound like nothing. But they’re really stressing me out. They come with so much worry and just on top of everything else. I’m working late this week, so I also have to find a way to squeeze all of it into one day, along with the other stuff like grocery shopping, social life and just plain old eating.
It’s times like these that make me wonder if I need professional help. Because I have such a hard time dealing with these things when they’re really just a tiny part of what most other people have to do in a day.