I wasn’t gonna post something like this again, ever. But tonight, I’m so close to breaking apart, I don’t even know where to take all this…hurting.
What do you do when the one thing, the people, holding you together break away? When the one thing that used to be your anchor isn’t there anymore, and you can feel yourself drifting away? How do you replace something that you know cannot be replaced because you cannot let it go, not completely. A sick, twisted part of you will always hold onto it, even if it’s tearing you apart.
I’ve lived for this for over a decade. I depend on it. I’ve made it the very reason for what I do, for even still being here. There’ve been times in my life when I didn’t even want to go on and nothing, absolutely nothing, not friends, not family, not even the simple, basic will to live, were enough for me to even want to hold onto life at all. And there’ just one thing I’d cling to, the thing that would always, somehow, drag me out of that black hole again.
Tonight, I’m doubting its very existence. I don’t know if it’s ever been real or if I’ve just made it up because I was desperate and needed something, anything, to believe in. And if that is the case, what now? What will I hold onto from now on? Does it even matter? I know I still need it to find my will to go on. I’m not in a place where I’m happy, probably won’t ever be. But is there even a point to all of this if you need something fake like that to keep going?
I may be alright tomorrow, I don’t know. But tonight, it just hurts. Too much.