I read a blog article on a German blog called Reizende Rundungen lately. It is run by Katrin, a girl who, like me, has a couple extra pounds on her hips and who, judging by her blog here, is absolutely fine with it. (Her blog is really cute and full of good fashion ideas and inspirations for us plus size girls, by the way, so if you speak German and you’re interested, by all means, go have a look!)
Anyway, in that article, she writes about how us girls (or pretty much most people) always want to be less than they are, not only but especially, they want to weigh less and become smaller. And how you shouldn’t let anyone tell you that you have to be less or change who and what you are because no one has the right to tell you that.
And all of this is completely true and I wholeheartedly agree with it.
But reading the article also upset me a little because I know I will never be in the position to say “I like myself the way I am, so you don’t get to tell me otherwise”. At least not if I stay like this. It’s such a big shame but to me, those extra curves just aren’t attractive at all. I can’t even get to the point where I work with what I have while I’m losing weight and getting in shape because even when I know I’m working on it and that it’s a work in progress, I can’t look at myself in the mirror and honestly tell myself I like what I’m seeing. Depending on what I wear and how I make myself up, it can be more or less bearable but I never think of myself as beautiful.
I’m not going so far to judge others and say I generally think overweight people aren’t beautiful, sexy, etc. There are some plus size ladies who are gorgeous, including Katrin (see above) and the insanely beautiful Cora from Vintage or Tacky . But it’s just not what attracts me. But the problem is, if I’m not attracted to people like myself, it’s nearly impossible to imagine that anyone thinks that way about me.
This has just been going round in my head for the past few days and I know it’s unnecessarily dramatic to type this all out here as if it really was a huge deal. Luckily, I’m not so affected by it that it really leads to self-destructive thoughts and decisions. But it still bothers me. Let’s just assume I finally stick with a gym routine and I eat better and it works. Then it will still take a couple years for me to reach a weight and a body that I feel good about. And I don’t want to spend that time just…in a constant emotional limbo. I want to be excited about fashion and dressing up and buying stuff and just looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve spent years just buying clothes that fit somehow, never caring much how they looked as long as they ‘hid’ anything I didn’t want people to see. I know, right? Just wear a big enough shirt and tadaaaa, people totally won’t see that I’m overweight!
See, I know it’s silly and I know even thinking like this makes me a stupid little girl. But sometimes I just hate my mind as much as my body because I can’t ever just switch it off.
But to end this entry on a positive note, I went to the gym today, got on the elliptical and noticed that you can see your reflection in the floor to ceiling windows all around the gym from basically every machine. In fact, I was staring at myself the whole time. And, maybe because I was actually doing something, for the first time I didn’t find what I saw all that bad. Still not nice, beautiful, attractive or acceptable for my personal standard but just…not that bad. Even though I huffed and puffed and sweated like a pig…