There are days on which I’m sure I can predict whether I’ve lost or gained wait and these past two days, I was so sure I’d gained at least a kilo. And yet, when I stepped on the scale this morning, just wanting to face the harsh truth and see where I’m at, I’d lost 1.1 kg since the last time I updated my weight on MFP (about two weeks ago).
This is weird because I feel like my body is swollen with water again. And I just feel…heavy. It’s a late shift week and though I’ve barely had any candy (I’ve been munching on a small 125g whole grain cookie bag all week and it’s still half full), I’ve treated myself to the odd bad food choices. All within my limit but fast and processed food has never done me much good. So at the very least I expected my weight to stay at one level.
At the moment I step on the scale almost daily. I know I’m dangerously close to becoming too obsessed but I just need to get a good idea of what is happening here. And it has stayed pretty much on the same level, +/- 200g for days. And then it just drops like that. Which is awesome, don’t get me wrong. No complaints, here. I just don’t understand it. Maybe what worked so well was that I didn’t eat anything, even low carb, after 7pm. Otherwise, I’d have to guess that the Burger King lunch I had made the difference, in which case I’d have them reserve a table for me every single day. But I doubt that had anything to do with it.
If it keeps up this rate, I may just about reach my goal. I highly doubt it because I hate getting ahead of myself and I prefer being pleasantly surprised to being disappointed. But we’ll see.
Otherwise, I’m just glad this week is over. At the way work is at the moment, late shift is to be preferred because you just don’t really get to endure much of the stress that happens before noon. But it also means that your time schedule is different to everyone else’s. And it’s hard to make proper food choices. I hate eating a lot before / at work because I simply never know how my body will take it. I used to think lactose intolerance was the only problem. Then I thought staying away from greasy food was the key. But thing is, no matter if I eat a salad, a sandwich or a burger, there’s no telling if I’ll be just fine or nauseous or suffering from cramps or…even less enjoyable consequences (TMI here?). But eating after work would mean having dinner at 11pm, with about an hour or two to go before bed. And I don’t want that, either. So it’s always a bit of an obstacle race for me.
And on top of that, currently I just don’t really like being at work. It’s not like I’m a workaholic otherwise. I’m one of those people who wouldn’t work if they didn’t have to. Or I’d just start something based on a hobby and call that work. But I’m not a sloth, either. I can work, I see the fun in having a place to go, sharing ideas and work with others… And I know that as humans, we just need a bit of routine and / or something to do. And let’s face it, compared to some of my friends, I am lucky. Most of my co-workers are nice, the pay is okay-ish (I guess even millionaires wouldn’t say no to more money), the work isn’t hard to do. There are few things that anyone could really call hell about my job. It’s pretty much only nasty customers that make me want to quit sometimes.
But at the moment, too many things are in limbo. Which in turn leaves me in an emotional limbo, as well. I like being good at my job, I like knowing what I’m doing. Currently, there are so many new things and there’s so much chaos in so many places that in a lot of situations, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It’s trial and error and it makes me insecure. And insecurity leads to drama which then leads to the feeling that this is never going to end. Like when you’re standing in a desert and you know that the visuals are betraying you. You can only see to the horizon and right behind that, there could be an oasis or even an end of the sand and the heat. And more, you know there will be an end. And yet, it seems like it’s endless. And the more you walk without seeing anything else, the more you believe your own head.
That’s how I feel about things at the moment and sometimes, it just weighs me down and makes it hard to focus on anything productive.
Okay, end of endless whiny rant. It’s good to just get it out there and not chew someone’s ear off with it. I feel like everyone around me is already sick of me complaining about this.
On a positive note: Have I mentioned that it is 27 days till Mallorca? No? It’s 27 days till Mallorca!!!!!