I was totally rocking out to this tune at the gym this morning. For what it’s worth, working out makes me rediscover old favorites that I’d almost forgotten about. This song actually made me not want to stop my workout today. I had planned to spend twenty minutes on the bike. Then I added five, and another five… It’s good to use every ounce of energy my mind and body decide to come up with. Embarrassing side note, though: I got stuck on one of the leg machines. Or I thought I did. It was so hard to lift my leg high enough to get onto it and then I was totally working myself into a frenzy over how to get off it again. There were people around me and I didn’t want them to see. So I did an extra two rounds, pretending I was being all kinds of determined. Only when they’d left did I attempt to get off. Which was way easier than I’d feared. I’d already seen myself trying to drag myself off the side of the thing and falling on my butt in the process. It would have been so like me, too.
Afterwards, I was so embarrassed (despite nothing happening and no one noticing my distress) that I gave up on the leg day training for the day and got more cardio done.
This blog needs more embarrassing confessions like that, right? Ha!
The point is, though, that it’s really, really hard for me. It’s a constant struggle not just coming up with the motivation but also with fighting the damn voices in my head that tell me to watch out for what people are thinking, who’s looking at me, what impression I’m making. On bad days, just walking into the gym is a challenge. It probably doesn’t help that you need to parade yourself through half the place to make it to the changing rooms and from their to the cardio area. But I do it anyway. That’s the main thing. I’m awkward, I’m insecure, I’m this kind of strange girl who – fat or not – just always seems a little off and who you steal secret glances at to have a secret laugh about. And yet, I still get this done, I’m still hanging in there and I’m slowly – very, very slowly – coming to term with just being that way. I’ll never be perfect and I’m pretty sure that I’ll never be that smooth person. Most likely, strange, embarrassing things will keep happening to me.
If When they’re not caused by my obesity anymore, other things will happen. I’ll sit in gums on the floor, spill drinks over my (most likely white) shirts, say the wrong things, mess things up, drop shopping bags (containing eggs and glass bottles) in the middle of the street…whatever. It happens. The key is to learn to accept it and laugh about it anyway.
And when that embarrassing thing happened at the gym today, for about five minutes, I was mortified and wanted to leave. But then I just shrugged it off and laughed about it (inside, of course, I’m not that awkward!) And now I’m actually sharing this with all kinds of strangers who happen to stumble upon this blog. Because it’s really not that bad, is it?
Oh, and later, while I was sitting on the bike kicking away, there was this guy on an elliptical behind me and the thing would make loud squeaky noises that could be heard across the entire gym. He was clearly embarrassed by it and I just looked at him and thought “I feel you, dude!”