I know I keep alternating between “Yay, I love my life!” and “I wanna kill myself” posts. But that’s basically what my life is like, to be perfectly honest. I got one tiny step closer to understanding what I’m like with that talk to my doctor but it’s still a lot of work to just get over all that and do stuff.
I don’t want to load all the responsibility on someone else’s shoulders but I’ve also figured out that my mother is at least part of the problem. She’s just exactly like this and she’s always been. Even when I was little, I mostly remember her ruling her life from the couch and rarely ever getting out for anything that wasn’t mandatory like grocery shopping or work. She’s been overweight as long as I know her and she’s never really done anything about it or made it seem like she knows that’s not a good thing. Now, I don’t want to make it seem like she’s a bad mother. But she’s clearly got some of the wrong priorities and she’s taught this to me since I was little. My dad never was in the picture all too much (and he was / is actually a bad father) so I learned most things from my mom, unfortunately also the bad things.
Yesterday was proof of how destructive she really is sometimes. We’d talked about seeing the new Star Trek movie eventually. When we met for dinner yesterday, we talked about it again and I mentioned the double feature that was on that night. I wasn’t even sure if she was still up for seeing the movie and I’ve basically learned not to ask her to do things with me unless she asks for it. Which, surprisingly, she did. I was surprised that she suggested doing something that required her to leave her couch for a whole evening but ah well. But then, as soon as we got to the theater, she did nothing but complain. The people were stupid, the seat was uncomfortable, the popcorn was too sweet, the drink was too cold, her seat neighbor was too noisy, the movie was too action-filled, the sound was too loud, the 3D made her head hurt… Everything was bad. Admittedly, a lot of things went wrong. The theater messed up so we had to change theaters for the second movie, then we had to wait forever. But hell, the place was filled with nerds, all of whom were in a good mood. It was actually fun. But she refused to see any good in anything. Really, why had she even come? Finally, by the time we got back to the car and she started yelling at the damn car (!) I snapped and told her to shut the fuck up. And I asked her why the hell she was even complaining about every tiny bit. And she said – and this is a quote – “Because I wasted the past four hours here!” Gee, thanks, mom. I love spending time with you, too. Worst is she doesn’t even know how hurtful it is and that she’s basically insulting me with this. Afterwards, I just didn’t talk to her at all anymore. And I haven’t spoken to her for more than two sentences today, either. She was trying to make small talk but I can’t even bring myself to look at her without wanting to punch her in the face for what she said. I didn’t even ask her to do this. I thought we were going out for a fun night. But no, apparently all she was thinking about was how much couch time her already fat ass was missing out on and how many crime shows she couldn’t sleep through that night. And it’s so hard not to hate her with a fiery passion for passing that lazy ass attitude on to me. Even now that she knows I’m suffering from being overweight and failing at changing, she always tries to get me to be lazy and irresponsible with her. Like when I have plans to do something, she’ll ask me whether I don’t want to stay home with her and order take away food. That’s so horrible and makes me so angry. But when I try to talk to her about how bad that is and that she’s ruining her own health and mine, she only gets mad and tells me I’m being overdramatic. I really just want to stay away from her a lot more because she is the kind of person my mother should warn me about. Only, it’s also hard to stop caring about what she does. I cannot and should not care anymore, and yet I do. There’s nothing I can do because I cannot force her but I keep thinking “What if something happens to her?” I know it’s not my fault and I know she’s being stupid and stubborn but I keep thinking that I need to do more. Again, something I wanna hate her for.
Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a bad note. So I’ll tell you about today. After being so mad and disappointed last night, I slept for some twelve hours and then woke up to a text from a friend telling me we’d meet at the gym at 4:30. Well, oops, it was already 2. So I got up, had a snack, and then drove to the gym. We tried the treadmills for the first time and it felt so good to do something again. I’ll never be a fitness guru. But I can definitely tell that it feels nice to be active. I can release tension that way and it’s a sure way for me to feel better about myself. To be honest, I’d expected myself to give up and faint after five minutes, that’s how out of shape I am currently. But that wasn’t the case at all. I made it through 45 minutes of straight walking. No running yet, though, and I don’t think that’s gonna happen for a while, not at my current weight. But I was really happy and proud of myself for getting through this. I plan to go again on Saturday, alone this time because my friend can’t make it. I hope I’ll stick to it this time.