White Flag

The thing about the end of the holidays and the beginning of a new year is that it makes you rethink stuff. You come to terms with some things and make a decision about others.

In my case, the one big thing that’s been left in limbo over the busy time of the holidays was friendship. There’ve been issues of different proportions with different friends and I’ve postponed decision till ‘I had a clear head’. Now I feel something needs to be done. But in my case, the first step would be deciding how far I am willing to let things go and what’s crossing my personal limits.

I’ll be honest with you, I used to be a narrow-minded, judgemental bitch. Everyone who was different than me, no matter in what way, was crazy and not worth my time. But I’ve gotten a lot better, a lot more openminded and by now, I really enjoy spending time with different people and learning new things through them. I’ve also learned to accept that people have flaws and that it’s important to take each other the way we are. But everybody has their own limits and I’m not quite sure where mine really are. On some days, due to the mental ups and downs, I am more irritable than usual and sometimes it’s hard to tell whether I am just being difficult or whether people are really overstepping my boundaries.

I guess what I’m really having a hard time understanding these days is how people can sometimes be so…terribly self-righteous and judgemental. I often feel like some of my friends are so patronizing towards me and it is really uncalled for. There’s a difference between being honest and letting someone know you disagree with their decisions and actions and putting yourself above them. In these particular friends’ cases I know it’s not even seriously about me. They’re just so insecure and full of self-hate that the only way for them to feel like they’re worth something is by putting themselves above others, making themselves sound all smart and wise. See, I know this and I’m guilty of putting on this arrogant mask myself sometimes. But the problem is that at the moment, I can’t seem to ever talk to them without getting a response like that. Ever. And I’m not the most self-confident person myself so I can really do without feeling stupid when I’m around people I consider my friends, you know?!

Thing is I really don’t know how to handle this situation. Talking isn’t an option because…been there, done that. It only led to disaster and tears. I don’t even know if I want to deal with this anymore when even saying “Hey, you hurt me there, you know?!” is considered an offense and leads to more patronizing on their part. It’s possible likely that I’ve done my part that led us to where we are now but hell, even admitting this has led to us fighting before.

Perhaps it’s really time to admit defeat…

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Categories: Me Myself and I | Tags: , | Leave a comment

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