It’s two in the morning and I’m sleepless. I’ve been sleeping so much this past week. The days went by in a blur with me sleeping and napping 10 hours+ a day, only interrupted by food, movies and shopping. Basically, I went out to spend money and stuff my face, then came back home and slept.
Well, and spent some time with mindless, anonymous flirting on the Internet. I met up with an old friend the other night: IRC chat. I used to spend so much time in there as a teenager. Sometime last week, when I was also sleepless, I thought I’d check if it still exists. But I was on my phone and before I knew it, I had spent nearly 5 € on a chat app. It worked surprisingly well and by now, I’ve established two things: 1. Most of my old channels still exist, even the band-related ones. 2. When you log on with a female nickname, you still get attacked by a dozen or so private chats within the first 10 seconds. Sweet. But I’ve also learned that rarely anyone goes on there to talk. It’s flirting or cybersex, hands down. There were precisely two guys that I’ve had nice conversations with. Still, I log on there here and there because I feel like I need to justify spending 5 € on the app.
Anyway, I’m getting a little freaked out by my approaching birthday. Two days. Well, one by now. It’s not tomorrow before I’ve slept, though.
It’s not so much the event of turning 30. That’s scary and feels wrong but I’ve long decided that I’m not getting older than 23. So as long as I don’t spend any time dwelling on the thought, I won’t start hyperventilating and getting an anxiety attack.
It’s more about me actually trying to do something for my birthday this year. It starts with the birthday cake. I’ve never baked one, for myself or anyone else. I’ve never baked an actual cake at all. The recipe seems pretty much bullet proof and it’s not like I’ve never baked anything before. I’m pretty sure it’ll turn out fine. But this isn’t one of my 3 a.m. muffin baking events after which I just spend a couple days stuffing my own face with baked goods. I have a friend coming over on my actual birthday, as well as my mom, so the cake will have to earn their approval, too. Come to think of it, I’ve never had any coffee and cake-guests over, either. I’ve had sleepovers and movie nights, but nothing like that. I guess I’m just feeling the pressure because events like that only really used to happen at my dad’s place when I was young. His new wife would always go to great lengths to make it a really stuck-up, posh event. People were dressing up and then sit around the table nibbling baked goods and slurping coffee or tea, feeling tense because no one really liked each other but, you know, it’s family! I know that tomorrow won’t be anything like that and it’ll be just one actual guest. But I’m still putting myself under too much pressure about it. Oh, and have I mentioned that my dishwasher chose this weekend to bite the dust? Dozens of bowls and baking tools to clean by hand. Yay?
The other thing is the day after. Dinner with friends. I’ve mentioned it before. And the planning’s been going on until earlier today. I nearly broke my head trying to come up with what we could do. It seemed like I had bitten off more than I could chew. I really don’t know how this is so easy for other people. I was wondering if it was my friends who were being difficult (“I don’t get off work early”, “I don’t want to see this movie”) but I think it’s me. I’m just way too difficult. Obviously, with other, even larger, groups of people it’s normal that they have different tastes and opinions and they’ll just meet in the middle. But with me, every disagreeing opinion is met by my miniscule ego pulling back into its shell, feeling stupid for making the (seemingly) stupid suggestion. And it takes a while for it to come crawling back out. So it took ages but we’ve finally agreed on meeting for dinner at a restaurant that mostly serves traditional German food. It’ll be perfect because dinner on Wednesday will be at my favorite Thai place. Exotic will be followed by traditional. Wonderful! I’m a little worried about having invited the girls which means I’ll pay but I think spending a nice birthday dinner with two of my best friends is the best thing I’ve invested in in a while. Plus, I’d feel terrible about spending my (post-)birthday dinner with friends and having them pay for themselves. I’m excited about it. And nervous!
And my mouth is watering because I’m so looking forward to all the culinary treats. I have a feeling my MyFitnessPal calorie diary will cry sad, sad tears. Cake, two delicious dinners, possibly both followed by dessert…oh my! But I guess I’ll just have to face reality, then shrug it off any enjoy myself.
Alright, I think it’s definitely time I’ll go and treat myself to another hour of sleep. Or two. The kittens have long since been asleep. After a day of them fighting and hissing (and knocking over my precious new Christmas tree!), I’ve just walked in on them like this. They look sleepy in the picture but when I walked in they had this “Oops, you caught us!” look that made me felt I’d seen something I wasn’t supposed to see.